Today, historical author Maire Claremont has agreed to let me post her first and last queries. She has also provided her own commentary. The first example is the oldest query she was able to find in her email.

Dear [agent],

 I would like to take a moment of your time to introduce Less than a Lady, a 95,000 word historical set in Restoration England.

 Needs Must:

 Sometimes an Earl has to do what an Earl has to do… Even if that includes wearing a frock for King and country. Darcy Blake, Earl of Chase, has finally made one too many mistakes in the lady department and King Charles is calling in a favor. Darcy’s mission? Follow Mrs. Elizabeth Barton, actress extraordinaire and possible Puritan traitor. But to do this he must get close to her. According to the King, Darcy must masquerade as a lord who needs to learn to play a woman in the palace musicales. Though Darcy is a master at lessons in lust, he’s surprised to find Mrs. Barton, along with teaching him to breath in a corset, will give him a lesson in love. When he finds out the witty actress is indeed linked to a traitor, will he follow his head or follow his heart?

 The Trouble with Brothers:

 Everything is going swimmingly for Lizzie Barton. She’s London’s most popular actress. She’s famous at court and she hasn’t got a husband to tell her what do. On the other hand, her minister brother is up to no good and is keeping company with former Cromwell generals. On top of this, the King has ordered her to train Lord Chase to act the part of a woman. How on earth can she train a lord so notorious for his manly ways? But turning down his majesty is not an option. Much to her surprise, though the unruly Lord proves to be an amorous student, he shows himself to be quite useful in rescuing her brother from several scrapes. Before Lizzie knows what is happening, the Earl is driving her wild with desire and awakening her heart to love. As an actress, society states she can never be more than Lord Chase’s mistress. Can Lizzie let herself be less than a lady or will love finally find a way?

 Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

 Sincerely,

Maire

 So, what strikes me is that this query is a bit verbose, trying to be clever and could probably be a lot shorter. Its also a bit cliche and it asks questions, not the best thing in a query especially if its a yes/no answer.

The other and MOST important thing here that pops out is that I clearly know NOTHING about the agent. I don’t know any of her clients or her likes. If I did, this query would have been a lot more personalized. . . So, essentially the query comes across as a form letter. Baaaaaad.

And now, the query that got me my current agent.

Dear Ms. Breitweiser,

Delilah Marvelle suggested I contact you. Though I know you don’t take email queries, I am a Golden Heart Finalist in the Historical Category under the name Maire Shelley and have other interest. My full is out with 3 other agents and I just received an offer of representation, but I truly admire your agency. I attended your workshop at RWA in San Francisco and loved it. Your mention of Meredith Duran set me on to her work, and Duke of Shadows encouraged me to write dark Victorians, which my current work Dark Kiss is.

A Life Destroyed:

         As the only daughter of a duke, Lady Mary Darrel, should be the envy of London. But all society believes her as dead as her dear mother. For Mary is a secret. After all, who would believe that her father would lock his only child away in an insane asylum to hide his sins? If there is one thing Mary has learned in the madhouse, it is that men are animals, never to be trusted. After her escape,  she vows she will never be like her mother, a fool to love and the victim of a man’s power. Now addicted to opiates and half dead from living through the terrors of the asylum, she runs to the only woman she can think of, her mother’s dearest friend and fellow courtesan, Yvonne Blessington. It is there, in Yvonne’s infamous bordello that she encounters Edward Barrons, her salvation and her own personal torment. In this man, she can find all the protection she will ever need but she cannot deny that his haunted eyes promise either a world full of love or her ultimate destruction.

A Soul in Torment:

         Edward Barrons, Duke of Fairleigh, is on the fast road to hell. After all, hell is in his blood. Day after day, he lives with the knowledge that it was his testimony that sent his father to the hangman’s noose and his inaction which allowed his father to rape and murder an innocent girl. No matter how far Edward sinks into darkness, he longs to redeem himself. It is the only thing that will save him from his father’s type of madness and the hideous fate awaiting him. At long last, salvation appears.  Mary Darrel’s warrior spirit and wounded soul offer Edward a chance to save her as he could not save that other girl so long ago. But in his quest for salvation, his own ruined heart will either condemn him to failure or open him to perfect love.

If you would like to read more, I would love to send it you.

Best,

Maire

The difference is immediately clear. Helen knew Delilah and Delilah gave me permission to use her name in the query. I had a reference. I also had been personally aware of Helen’s workshops at conference. I knew what she liked. Her mention of Meredith Duran really did set me onto Meredith’s work and a new path of much darker writing. I also had some serious writing credentials to share. This made the letter very personal.

There are still some weaknesses in the two paragraph format but its much more intense. The stakes somehow seem higher. I went for a very emotional impact rather than a “clever” one.

If you can meet the agents you want to query at conferences, say hello. When you query them mention you’ve met them. Read any guest blogs they do. Mention it. Find connections with them so they know its not a mass query, that you really want to work with THEM. They’ll certainly research you.

And lastly, get a few friends to read that query. . . Edit it again and again.

Ashlyn here. That second query was for  the second book in Maire’s series. The first book, her Golden Heart®-winning historical romance, THE DARK LADY, will be available in February 2013 from Signet. A third book in the series is also in the works. You can visit Maire at her blog, Victorian Sex, Drugs and Love, follow her on Twitter, and like her on Facebook.

Want to participate by sharing your queries with the world and hopefully helping out other writers? Contact me!

Category First Queries, Writing • Tags: first query last query, historical, maire claremont, queries